Stewing

I am an indecision expert. Really, it's a skill I have honed into a fine art. I can debate the merits of, say, buying a pair of $20 shoes all afternoon. I can spend weeks deliberating which stroller to buy. So when it comes to a major life change, I can give myself ulcers on demand.

I have no idea where this comes from. I wasn't trained in indecision by my family or peers. I have not lost fortunes as a result of bad planning. So what I am I so scared of? Why do I feel a need to carry every choice out to all of its possible future implications?

Getting married was easy. Having a child was scary but easy. Why all this agonizing over a job? A job - what you do so that you can pay the bills. M-F, Outlook Inbox, conference room scheduling, commute to and fro kind of job. Not a career, not a calling, not a passion, and not a fortune-making kind of job. So just LET GO.

But - and I swear these are some, just some, of the irrational thoughts that run through my head - I will have to tell our day care provider that I won't need her anymore; I will miss the fish tacos I can get by work; I won't enjoy fridays off if I get all days off; I will feel so guilty spending $3 on a latte if I didn't earn that $3 my self. Not to mention those $20 shoes! And what kind of a lazy woman doesn't work? I mean, I will just have to earn my keep by keeping the garden free of weeds and spit polishing the bookcases, right? Right. Knowing me, I won't even manage the mess on my desk. So I will be a half-assed lazy housewife who spends her husband's paychecks on expensive coffee drinks.

But, on the other hand, if I don't make a break now....what kind of example will I be setting for my son? Staying too long in a dead-end job. Yes, son, this is what you have to look forward to! Study hard like I did! I fear that if I don't move on now, I never will. I will condemn myself to settling. And where the hell does that come from? Do I really value my own time so little? Shouldn't I be enjoying every precious moment with baby? What if this is it - we decide not to have any more children? So this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Right! Definitely need to quit. Now. Okay, tomorrow, first thing in the morning. Or maybe afternoon would be better...