Cognitive Dissonance
I am happy. Happier than I have been in years. I wake up happy, looking forward to each day. I do not regret quitting my job for one minute.
This weekend I went back to college. I returned with some friends to support dear Petrea, who was inducted into the Pomona College Athletic Hall of Fame. Going back to campus always stirs up conflicted feelings. I find it so hard to comprehend how much time has passed, and how different I am now. I see the ghost of my former self in cutoffs and long hair everywhere I go. I can see her thoughts, dreams, and expectations. Then, inevitably, I must compare those dreams to my current reality.
I am not one of those lucky people who always knew what they wanted to be. In that sense, I have always been lost. Or, perhaps, I have always been exploring. I cannot escape, however, the idea that I had that I would do something Important and Meaningful, and that my intelligence, hard work, and passion would continue to be rewarded. Now I must reconcile those expectations with my current choices - to stay at home with my child. I never planned on being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM, in message board lingo). I left that to Christians and Republican women. I left that option to women who did not have the strong ambitions that I have. Then the time came for me to make my own decision for myself, and I decided to quit my job. I can explain and justify my decision, of course. I was not challenged in my job. I didn't see a future for myself there. I was burnt out after 8 years of Web stuff. All true. None the less, I am now a SAHM, and when someone asks me what I do, I break eye contact and lower my voice.
When I quit my job, I was hurt and insulted by the response I got from many coworkers. Instead of asking me about my decision, people generally felt that it was appropriate to offer their opinion on the matter. "You are doing the right thing. You should stay home with your baby." Just like that, I had relegated myself to a box. I was easily categorized (something I have never been), and easily dismissed. No one questioned my decision and asked if I might consider staying if conditions changed. I felt worthless and useless. I had been there for 3 1/2 years, and, apparently, contributed nothing that would be missed, work wise (I had plenty of personal attachments that were not so easily terminated).
Since then, I try to reconcile my current situation with my own image of myself. It is not easy. I found myself sitting on the floor of Pottery Barn Kids at a sing-a-long event, looked around at the other moms in designer sweats and diaper bags, and thought, "oh my God, I have become one of them." One of those I-never-thought-it-would-happen-to-me moments.
I am happy. I am enjoying this time tremendously. But what do I do with my ambitions and expectations? Can I just store those away in Rubbermaid containers in the garage, along with the snowshoes and painting supplies, and pull them out again when I am ready to restart my career?
A mom asked me if I didn't see my current situation as a career change - that being a mom was my new career. No. It is not a career. Being a mom is not a job, either. I don't want the conciliatory cookie offered by many, "you just work out of the home." Don't euphemise me. A job requires a contract with an employer - they get your time and energy in exchange for a paycheck and health insurance. Munch is not a job. He is life - his life, my life. Managing his needs and our relationship requires a lot of work, but the rewards are rich indeed. I'll find a place for those college-years expectations next to my photo boxes in the garage for now.
This weekend I went back to college. I returned with some friends to support dear Petrea, who was inducted into the Pomona College Athletic Hall of Fame. Going back to campus always stirs up conflicted feelings. I find it so hard to comprehend how much time has passed, and how different I am now. I see the ghost of my former self in cutoffs and long hair everywhere I go. I can see her thoughts, dreams, and expectations. Then, inevitably, I must compare those dreams to my current reality.
I am not one of those lucky people who always knew what they wanted to be. In that sense, I have always been lost. Or, perhaps, I have always been exploring. I cannot escape, however, the idea that I had that I would do something Important and Meaningful, and that my intelligence, hard work, and passion would continue to be rewarded. Now I must reconcile those expectations with my current choices - to stay at home with my child. I never planned on being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM, in message board lingo). I left that to Christians and Republican women. I left that option to women who did not have the strong ambitions that I have. Then the time came for me to make my own decision for myself, and I decided to quit my job. I can explain and justify my decision, of course. I was not challenged in my job. I didn't see a future for myself there. I was burnt out after 8 years of Web stuff. All true. None the less, I am now a SAHM, and when someone asks me what I do, I break eye contact and lower my voice.
When I quit my job, I was hurt and insulted by the response I got from many coworkers. Instead of asking me about my decision, people generally felt that it was appropriate to offer their opinion on the matter. "You are doing the right thing. You should stay home with your baby." Just like that, I had relegated myself to a box. I was easily categorized (something I have never been), and easily dismissed. No one questioned my decision and asked if I might consider staying if conditions changed. I felt worthless and useless. I had been there for 3 1/2 years, and, apparently, contributed nothing that would be missed, work wise (I had plenty of personal attachments that were not so easily terminated).
Since then, I try to reconcile my current situation with my own image of myself. It is not easy. I found myself sitting on the floor of Pottery Barn Kids at a sing-a-long event, looked around at the other moms in designer sweats and diaper bags, and thought, "oh my God, I have become one of them." One of those I-never-thought-it-would-happen-to-me moments.
I am happy. I am enjoying this time tremendously. But what do I do with my ambitions and expectations? Can I just store those away in Rubbermaid containers in the garage, along with the snowshoes and painting supplies, and pull them out again when I am ready to restart my career?
A mom asked me if I didn't see my current situation as a career change - that being a mom was my new career. No. It is not a career. Being a mom is not a job, either. I don't want the conciliatory cookie offered by many, "you just work out of the home." Don't euphemise me. A job requires a contract with an employer - they get your time and energy in exchange for a paycheck and health insurance. Munch is not a job. He is life - his life, my life. Managing his needs and our relationship requires a lot of work, but the rewards are rich indeed. I'll find a place for those college-years expectations next to my photo boxes in the garage for now.
posted by munchmom at 10:31 AM
3 Comments:
Wow, really enjoyed reading thoughts from an honest mom
I applaud you for the decision to leave the workforce. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we think that we are the all-important cog in the wheel and nothing will work without us. It's humbling to move past such hurdles and discover how liberating life itself can be...
Kir, that weekend was tough for me too. I understand completely catching glimpses of who you were at Pomona, I did the same thing. Cutoffs & long hair (and those brown mules you wore 24/7!), that's exactly how I remember you. You've changed, I've changed, we've all changed. And now you have the precious Munch to love.
The irony is, I feel many of the same feelings that you do, and I don't even have a kid! I'm trying to achieve success in my career, which sometimes feels like a mirage. Every time I advance a little, another hill appears that needs climbing. My ambition is out and in overdrive, but I'm wondering if it's all kinda pointless. I'm delaying having a child for some good reasons, but if I look back in 10 years will those reasons bear any weight at all? I want to achieve meaningful and important things too, but what are they? And why does the bar for that always seem to be moving?
The very fact that you think about what you want out of life means you're not losing yourself. You write a kick ass blog, you're going to school, you travel the world, and all with the Munch by your side! That's something to stand up and be proud about. And I have a feeling that you will figure out what works for you for work, something cool and outside-the-box. Because that's how you've always been. The world makes people choose - work vs. motherhood, career vs. life, etc. You know you can throw off those shackles and do important and meaningful things. You already are!
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